I wrote your eulogy today.

The shock of unexpected death.  The person I loved most in the entire world was no longer breathing, no longer available for “the best hug in the world”, no longer reachable to touch.  It was three or four days before I could let anyone near me.  Greif made my skin feel like shards of glass abrading my heart, hugs were so painful. I started the week, absolutely heartbroken and feeling very alone. 

My mom and my own sisters, my second set of parents,  siblings-in-law were not deterred and arrived, fantastic “imaginary internet friends” drove from across the city, across the country, from ANOTHER country, descended to shore me up.  People in my living community and our friends checked in.  I was not alone.

Then the messages from family, friends, online communities, people he’d worked with, people he played games online with, wonderful people he’d mentored, beautiful friends he’d advised -more people than I could have imagined have reached out to tell me that I’m not alone, that they carried some of the burden, that their hearts and tears combined with mine and were forming an ocean of salt water to buoy me up.  I am reminded over and over that I am absolutely NOT alone.

After lots of tearful and happy stories with my Christiansen family last night, I am reminded that David was a whole entire person before I met him.  He will be missed dynamically by his Mom and Dad, his 5 brothers and 2 sisters, In-law siblings and mother in law, his Grandmother, nieces and nephews, Aunts and Uncles, a myriad of cousins, friends, co-workers, clients, and most especially me.

David was a beautiful person, in the way that transcends the physical.  He really cared about others, and demonstrated it.  If you ever sincerely asked for his advice, he would either give you the most complete and thoughtful answer, or he’d tell you he needed to research and he’d return with more information than you had ever anticipated and answers to questions you didn’t know you had with multiple scenario solutions to those questions. He also gave the world’s best hug, you could feel the depth of his heart.

David’s brilliance and brilliant he was, shone through strategy.  He looked into situations, people, business and he could see how it SHOULD work – he saw people and saw them for who they COULD be, and would do what he could to get them there.

David grew up in a family of rich religious tradition, and it influenced him very much.  Though his beliefs differed, he would want you to be comforted through your own convictions.  He encouraged people to have differing viewpoints and to discover what it was that they believed.

If David could, he would want you to remember the influence he had on you, remember the things you learned with him and take that into the world and change it.  He would remind you that none of us can do this alone, that we need siblings, and parents, living communities, co-workers, intimates and yes, even imaginary internet friends.  He would say that he is not so far away – though intangible.  He would tell you that you are important.  He would tell you that you are not alone.

I love you, Bear.

Ok. I don't pull punches, this might be rough if you are a sensitive reader.

Today was rough, but ok. My sister picks me up and then she and my mom and I pick up my MIL and FIL (who I absolutely adore). We have a good cry in the parking lot of their hotel. MIL looks rough. FIL is a lovely, in-touch-with-his-emotions man who has been a Mormon Bishop (kinda like pastor) and they are currently serving a mission together. Anyway, he's dealt with a lot of death.

We talked a lot on the way, FIL tells stories - that's how he communicates - in stories. Most of them have humor and the light laughter helped break some of the sorrowful tension. We get there, and I prepare them again to what they will and will not see.

We get to the Cremation Society, they show me to the room. His body, his entire 6'4" body is covered in a heavy white cloth of some kind, his once huge hands seem small. The table is not that large and everything seems wrong. I touch them and the are very, very cold. Like winter, no gloves cold. And the color is wrong and waxy. I only was in there for a minute or two. All I could say, over and over is "oh Babe". I realize that he is not there, and I cannot stay, so I go. His parents go in, they look rough. I sit at the table and tears leak out of my face, shock again I suppose. MIL and FIL follow, then my mom, then my sister. She asks if I wanted her to take the clay I brought and make an imprint. I say no, because they are making me a print for a chain (I pay for this, but I needed it). I wanted to imprint a scar on his hand, but I couldn't. It didn't seem right, somehow. I've now been without him for 5 days.

MIL asks if he can be held until one of his sisters gets here. I had to tell her no. They won't embalm/they encorage against it at this stage because there is so much damage from the donation services. I tell her he's not there. I tell her that I didn't think his hands would bring her closure. She understood because his hands have certainly not brought her closure.

They bring in a package. It is thank you materials for the donation. It occurs to me why he's so small, they have taken his major bones for other people. I do not say this out loud. I tell them how sorry I am that I was unable to save him. I say I know it was not my responsibility, but I adored him. I miss him a lot. There is a lot of crying.

FIL starts in with more stories, he is stressed, this is how he copes. MIL has her eyes closed and is breathing to not sob (and I believe to not yell at him for going on). His talking is a comfort until he talks religious stuff (I really dislike Mormonism) but I let him finish. What he says is similar to the "Physicist speaks at a funeral/we are all energy" thing I want read. I explain that religious stuff isnt' comforting now, but that may change. I love these people, I don't want to hurt them. We talk more, tell more stories. We laugh. We cry. We mourn. We were there for 2 hours, with maybe 10 minutes of viewing. I can still feel his hands.

We drive to get lunch. In the car, FIL tells me that he hopes that someday I will marry again. MIL glares at him, "NOT NOW DEAR", but I know what he means. Someday, maybe. They fall all over themselves telling me that they want me to know that I am still part of their family. And I know. More stories, the funny ones now. The one of my mom feeling me up - that embarasses my FIL and makes me laugh harder for it. MIL liked that too. We are kindreds. We make a few plans for the memorial. They talk of flying me to SLC to the family memorial, my huge in-law family wants to embrace me and I will let them. I want them to heal too. I am the embodyment of him now. He was the first grandchild, when his aunts were very young, they adored him.

I jingle now. I have his ring on a chain on my neck. I feel like a puppy with my jingling. Amusing and also sad. We all notice when I move and make the sound of metal against metal. We make plans for the rest of the week. Selling his car, going to the spice store, going to FIL's fav restaurant in town (he is a foodie), spending time with my nephew who remembers and loves them. Back in the car, more stories, more memories, mostly happy. We drop them off, more hugs.

I am home alone and there is solace in that. This will be my existance for quite awhile and it feels good to know I can do this place on my own, though I won't for long. I am going to move away, to the coast, to restart my business, my life. I am happy to be going back to a place where there are friends who remember him. Where the ocean will help soothe.

I am ok. Never whole again, but ok. This will take time.

rain

It's raining today.  I love the rain.  Did I tell you that it took M and I a few hours to find your note.  I'm glad for it.  I needed it so much.

Thank you for being my person.  Ijust thought that we'd have more time.  I wanted to see you as a very old man.  Now you will always only be 40 and I will age.

What happens to me now?  I know I will survive, I know I'll be ok.

Shattered

Today my best friend, the love of my life, my partner, my person died.  I hurt, I am numb, I cannot stop crying.  I am, after hours of people, blissfully alone.  My eyes look like Straga Nona's, just slits really in a sea of swollen and raw.  My jaw aches.  I'm not really sure why that is.  I can't even begin to understand that one.

This is enough for now.  Breathing. 

They woudn't let me touch him today.  Tomorrow they are supposed to let me touch him. 

After and hour or so of searching, his note was found.  There are no answers.  My arms are empty.  He is gone and I am alone.  I only want him, he is the only person who can make this right.  And he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.